5 Months

5 months. It's been exactly 5 months since my last post. I feel almost silly writing now, 5 months is a long time to leave a blog sitting there. Blogs are about the writing and sharing, but mine has just been sitting there, occasionally taunting me as I've thought about writing but haven't.. Mostly it's just sat there.
As I look back over the past 5 months a lot has happened, I'm not really sure how to catch you up, or if I should even attempt such a thing. When last I wrote I was busy working at a day camp and life guarding, I actually began a blog post about my experience with that, but I never finished or posted it. I guess life caught up with me.. though I hardly feel that accurately describes what happened. I messed up. I didn't just mess up a little, I messed up a lot. When I say that "life caught up with me" I guess I really mean that I don't want to really share what happened in my heart. I don't really know what did happen in my heart, but I messed up. Looking back, whatever happened, whatever choices I made there at the end of summer and the beginning of school snowballed all semester. I couldn't write because I couldn't lie here too. I guess if we were to compare my choices and my attitude it wasn't that awful, I could have done a lot worse things, easily. I'm still a "good girl."

When I'm home I volunteer with the Jr High  class at my church. I love it. I guess that's weird, most people don't like Jr High, but I love those kids. Sometimes I'm asked to actually teach the class, before I started volunteering I was told that I would learn more from teaching than I would actually be able to teach. I didn't realize how true that would be. Every time I teach I find myself in tears in preparation as my lesson suddenly becomes a mirror that reflects my life back to me.

Last night I was texting my roommate, I hadn't talked to her for a week since we've both been home for Christmas break. We got to talking about letting go of our dreams and letting God take control of our lives. I didn't think a whole lot about it, I've grown up the church, of course I'll do whatever God wants.

A little bit later I was working on my Jr High lesson for today. Christmas is in two days and I really didn't want to get to crazy, instead I decided we would simply read the story. Sometimes I think we start talking too much and forget to actually read the bible.. I'm guilty of that anyway. So last night I was reading about the birth of Christ beginning with the Angel coming to Mary. This part of the story always intrigues me, I guess because I'm a girl and I always wonder how I would react if an angel were to tell me I was pregnant.. Her response always gets me and last night it was as if the words were leaping off the page and I couldn't think about much else the rest of the night. Mary said to the Angel, "I am the Lords servant, may it be to me according to his word."

My church just hired a new site pastor, I met him last week and he seems cool, but today was his first day preaching. We joked that it was the big test, he'd passed all the others, pretty wife, cute daughter.. but this sermon was what it all came down to. He started preaching and talking about his own experience learning to trust God.. I was getting that feeling that I was supposed to hear this while my head starts screaming curse words. Then he reads the rest of Mary's response to the Angels announcement, as she praises the Lord. To use his words, Mary's life was wrecked, all her plans were suddenly crushed and there she stood declaring herself the Lords servant and singing his praise. And I'm sitting there thinking to myself, realizing that especially these past 5 months I've been taking life into my own hands. I've messed up because I stopped trusting God with my life. I've been clinging so tightly to my plan instead of pursuing his plan.

I sat there in the middle of church fighting tears, fighting the curses, fighting numbness. I felt like I'd been slapped in the face. I guess I get it, clearly God was telling me something I've been ignoring for at least the past 5 months. It's time for me to surrender and give my life back to him, because maybe he has something more in store than I had planned for myself. I really hope so actually. Because these past 5 months, as I've been in charge of my life, I've made some poor choices, done some things I regret, lost a lot of friends, and everything has had an edge of bitterness.. I haven't felt the joy and sunshine that has always been such a part of my life.

That's not to say I haven't been enjoying my sunrises and my new days-that's something that could never change, the pictures on my phone hold enough proof of that. But I look forward to the sunrises of surrender, of learning to follow Mary's example and say "I am the Lords servant, may it be to me according to your word"

Is It Enough?

"Lifeguard, Lifeguard.. help me!" his cries reaching my ears down the hall. My heart in pieces, tears behind my eyes. I stood willing him to stop crying out, wishing I could actually do something besides leave just as everyone else in his life has. I stood trying to ignore, to no avail, as Bill called for rescue from one person he trusted. I left feeling that I had failed when I hadn't,

I work with a before and after day camp program at a YMCA. Most of the kids that attend come from families that are falling apart, so many single parent homes, half siblings, step siblings, step parents, abuse, neglect. Many are from families that love them dearly but are simply living in poverty. Every child has a different story, but none are near the storybook that my childhood was. Each of these children has touched me and I love them, I would do anything for them. I call them "my kids" and I pray for them. Its always in the back of my mind that come the end of the summer I'm going back to Tennessee, back to college and these kids that have come to trust me will still be here. I hate that. I hate that I will be leaving them just as so many in their young lives already have. I just pray that in spite of my leaving I would have given them a little glimpse of our Savior. I pray that in spite of my leaving they'll remember that I cared.

At work we all have nicknames that the kids know us by, most of the kids don't know my "government" name. Names such as Oreo, Tuna, Pickles, Hoopz, Dori, Roo. My name is Lifeguard. It happened on accident, since I'm also a lifeguard, and it stuck. All the kids call me Lifeguard, well, all except for one who calls me Teacher (which I'm also fine with, it's cute).

One of the kids I work with is named Bill. Bill is an interesting 10 year old. He is diagnosed as being ADHD, but I'm not so sure that that's the whole story. Bill doesn't really play well with the other kids, and he doesn't really respond well to the other adults- if they tell him to do something or try to talk he'll cross his arms and stare straight ahead, ignoring whatever it is they're trying to say. He get's mad very easily, but not so easily as his feelings are hurt. He's very protective and loyal, he loves like few I've seen. For some reason, he attached himself very quickly to me, he's never crossed his arms and ignored me, he thrives when he's with me.

Today I stepped out of the room for a second, and when I came Bill was in trouble. It began as something little, that quickly escalated due to Bills habit of crossing his arms and not responding. One of the other counselors was simply trying to talk to him because she could see he was angry. He refused. Another counselor walked over to him and took his arm, he began kicking and screaming. This lead to the downward spiral the ended with Bill being sent home early. Between that he kicked and punched and even bit. He was calling for me the entire home, not that I could do anything- I wanted to, not to get him out of trouble, but simply to calm him down. He called for me, and between yelling my name he threatened to kill himself. The whole time tears threatened to spill over, I had to keep strong for the other kids. His voice is haunting me know, "Lifeguard, Lifeguard.. help!"

I guess its not that I couldn't help him this morning, it's that I'm not going to be there for him in a month. At all. It kills me that I'm just going to leave the kids, just like so many before me have. I love them. Is that enough when I leave?

{First Page, Shoot for the Moon, A Thousand Sunrises}

Whenever I begin a new journal I approach the first page with a sense of excitement and nervousness. The first page is fresh, clean, without all the scars of the past. It can be whatever I want it to be. It can be beautiful. The first page sets the tone for the whole, that is, if anyone were to read my journal entries, anyone besides me.
I'm coming to this first blog post in a similar fashion, except this isn't just for me. My journals, I pray, aren't defiled by the eyes of another until long after I die, when I'm no longer even a memory. This blog, on the other hand, I hope is seen. Right now it's fresh and clean, it's just me and my laptop, typing words as I listen to music on YouTube. This blog is whatever I want it to be, it can be beautiful. Its scary too, I want to be liked and understood. If I allow myself to dream big I actually want my thoughts to have an impact. As if that could happen. I've heard it said to shoot for the moon, that if I miss at least I'll land in the stars, the truth is I might just float aimlessly through space, or come crashing back to earth.  
I've called this blog A Thousand Sunrises. I've been wanting to start a blog for a long time but I couldn't because I didn't know what to call it. What do you call something that you have such big hopes for? What is a title that could sum up thoughts, ideas and stories that haven't even happened yet? This afternoon it just hit me. A Thousand Sunrises. It sounds pretty, and I love sunrises- it's my favorite part of the day. Sunrises are clean, and full of promise, kind of like the first page of a journal. I named this blog for my past sunrises, for all the days that began in beauty, whether they ended there or not. I named this blog for my present sunrises, for today, no matter what it holds. I named this blog for my future sunrises, knowing that despite the trials it all began with a sunrise. Lastly, I named this blog for the sunrises of heaven, sunrises which are the point of sunrises here. 
A Thousand Sunrises.