5 Months

5 months. It's been exactly 5 months since my last post. I feel almost silly writing now, 5 months is a long time to leave a blog sitting there. Blogs are about the writing and sharing, but mine has just been sitting there, occasionally taunting me as I've thought about writing but haven't.. Mostly it's just sat there.
As I look back over the past 5 months a lot has happened, I'm not really sure how to catch you up, or if I should even attempt such a thing. When last I wrote I was busy working at a day camp and life guarding, I actually began a blog post about my experience with that, but I never finished or posted it. I guess life caught up with me.. though I hardly feel that accurately describes what happened. I messed up. I didn't just mess up a little, I messed up a lot. When I say that "life caught up with me" I guess I really mean that I don't want to really share what happened in my heart. I don't really know what did happen in my heart, but I messed up. Looking back, whatever happened, whatever choices I made there at the end of summer and the beginning of school snowballed all semester. I couldn't write because I couldn't lie here too. I guess if we were to compare my choices and my attitude it wasn't that awful, I could have done a lot worse things, easily. I'm still a "good girl."

When I'm home I volunteer with the Jr High  class at my church. I love it. I guess that's weird, most people don't like Jr High, but I love those kids. Sometimes I'm asked to actually teach the class, before I started volunteering I was told that I would learn more from teaching than I would actually be able to teach. I didn't realize how true that would be. Every time I teach I find myself in tears in preparation as my lesson suddenly becomes a mirror that reflects my life back to me.

Last night I was texting my roommate, I hadn't talked to her for a week since we've both been home for Christmas break. We got to talking about letting go of our dreams and letting God take control of our lives. I didn't think a whole lot about it, I've grown up the church, of course I'll do whatever God wants.

A little bit later I was working on my Jr High lesson for today. Christmas is in two days and I really didn't want to get to crazy, instead I decided we would simply read the story. Sometimes I think we start talking too much and forget to actually read the bible.. I'm guilty of that anyway. So last night I was reading about the birth of Christ beginning with the Angel coming to Mary. This part of the story always intrigues me, I guess because I'm a girl and I always wonder how I would react if an angel were to tell me I was pregnant.. Her response always gets me and last night it was as if the words were leaping off the page and I couldn't think about much else the rest of the night. Mary said to the Angel, "I am the Lords servant, may it be to me according to his word."

My church just hired a new site pastor, I met him last week and he seems cool, but today was his first day preaching. We joked that it was the big test, he'd passed all the others, pretty wife, cute daughter.. but this sermon was what it all came down to. He started preaching and talking about his own experience learning to trust God.. I was getting that feeling that I was supposed to hear this while my head starts screaming curse words. Then he reads the rest of Mary's response to the Angels announcement, as she praises the Lord. To use his words, Mary's life was wrecked, all her plans were suddenly crushed and there she stood declaring herself the Lords servant and singing his praise. And I'm sitting there thinking to myself, realizing that especially these past 5 months I've been taking life into my own hands. I've messed up because I stopped trusting God with my life. I've been clinging so tightly to my plan instead of pursuing his plan.

I sat there in the middle of church fighting tears, fighting the curses, fighting numbness. I felt like I'd been slapped in the face. I guess I get it, clearly God was telling me something I've been ignoring for at least the past 5 months. It's time for me to surrender and give my life back to him, because maybe he has something more in store than I had planned for myself. I really hope so actually. Because these past 5 months, as I've been in charge of my life, I've made some poor choices, done some things I regret, lost a lot of friends, and everything has had an edge of bitterness.. I haven't felt the joy and sunshine that has always been such a part of my life.

That's not to say I haven't been enjoying my sunrises and my new days-that's something that could never change, the pictures on my phone hold enough proof of that. But I look forward to the sunrises of surrender, of learning to follow Mary's example and say "I am the Lords servant, may it be to me according to your word"